I close my eyes
Hoping that the sudden darkness will make the world look
brighter when I open them
I live in a preoccupied world
in which time rules everything
and sleep is caught somewhere in between.
Rest will be at hand when it is over,
but meanwhile I'm stuck trying to juggle around the pieces of my life
trying to figure out which pieces to drop and then
trip over while I keep my eyes on the pieces still spinning through the air
I can't keep this up much longer
Soon I'll drop everything and have to start over--
I can see my future but I cannot control it.
Although I try my best it will never be good enough.
As I stumble over what has fallen
Gravity rules and I fall as well.
The laws of physics never cease to amaze me
but these are not my laws.
I resent being governed not by choice,
not trained, but merely maneuvered to where I am supposed to be.
My limbs are being bent unnaturally.
I cry out in pain but my mouth will not open
Helpless in my misery, cooperation is the only way.
But resentment takes over again
As I am left frozen, stuck between my useless free will
and a life that is waiting to be lived
not by choice.
--Written in the spring of 1998; it was the night before a big physics test; I was sick of studying.
An Identity Crisis
I may have scars
---Written in 1998 I think...I didn't date this one, and I don't remember the inspiration or what was going through my mind. Oh well, what the hell...
but they're in places you'd never think to look.
I might have bad habits
but I'll never let you see them.
You may think you know me.
Nobody knows who I am not even me,
and at this identity crisis I have to laugh,
because I know me well enought to know who I am not.
I know me well enough to know who I will never be.
As I look into the mirror I wonder what will become of me when
I am free to do my own bidding.
I will become someone different--
for better or for worse.
And I will gaze back into this moment
Because right now I am thinking of my pitiful childhood moments
that shaped me into this clay figure.
The child seems so far away
I regret not getting to know her better
too late, it would have been pointless anyway
because she is gone.
I have replaced her, as I will soon be replaced.